Some times, affected by some thought or picture in my mind, I begin spinning stories around it that seem too real that they start becoming a part of your life.
What would happen if someday the person who meant the world to you would leave you alone to face the world, but because of your own mistake? Could you bear the ignorance they impart now, far away to even feel what you wish they could hear one last time?
A PAGE FROM MY SOUL
Who I look for I cannot find in the pages of the books resting on my table, neither on the screens of hypothetical connections.
If only time was right, it would have been so much more beautiful, you, me and what we could have been. If only time had been right.
I could not give what I was to in those hours. I was bound by traps and chains of protection, that engulfed these thoughts and the dare to even dream of it into a black hole. You are older, wiser by your years. And so I hope you understand. You must, or I’ll try, try till the day you tell me, eye to eye that you have moved on.
I could not share it then. Neither can I now. But you have to understand why. And that I cannot tell behind these deceptive screens. The wait is endless, unknown and untimed. But I know I will tell someday, when we are not drawn away by forces unbeatable.
I know not if it is the same pain you are trying to impart now. I don’t know, if you would ever do that. You claim to the world that you’ll not. But I feel like a different stakeholder in your memories. What you are doing, is certainly, if it is indeed meant to be, imparting the same kind of impatience and turbulence that I probably did. But you didn’t preach to be this. I won’t blame you, I can’t. But in my circumstances, neither can I blame myself.
Be a part of what you miss, and you’ll know you had more. How I wish I could be what you are, but isn’t the grass always greener on the other side? I feel maybe it’s right if you are trying to punish me by imparting the same ignorance to wish to abolish by the light of your knowledge. Is it then so fair as it may seem now?
Swap sides for once. I’m not untying responsibilities off my hands, I’m just too unsure whom to blame, my actions or my situations?
All I can wait for now, is the day when I can share this with you, with all my heart. Till then I’ll wait. But I’ll never stop trying. Even if I’m miles apart. Even if I’m too far to express and matter in your life anymore.
I can’t tell right now why it happened that happened, but when I do I hope you understand, with the same heart I tried understanding you. We are not different. But don’t be what I was forced to all this time back. You don’t have to be. I have hurt myself in it more than you. If my silence wounded your heart, it almost kills my soul everyday.
Atleast in the end, I don’t wish to be the one who gave up too soon, or didn’t try at all. I’ll try, even if it takes forever. And when the day comes, I’ll know my efforts were meant for a purpose and I hope they do not go unheard, unseen, unfelt…